I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
