I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
