oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
