I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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