I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
