So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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