he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
