I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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