someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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