I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
