Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Someone came in the potted fern
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
