we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
