apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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