Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
