1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
