woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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