I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
