I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
