Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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