I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
