it was like his penis was on wheels.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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