bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
