cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
