I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
