totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
