God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
