piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
