She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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