I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
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