Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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