Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
