I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You may now shotgun with the bride
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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