I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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