Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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