"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
