I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
