oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
