I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize