Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
This is classic penis vs brain.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
