just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
