So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
