dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I CAN MOONWALK!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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