How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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