Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
