Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
