How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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