worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
