my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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