My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she told me i tasted like america
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
