You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
