nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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