I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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