Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
