We're facebook friends in real life
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
