$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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