Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Less talking, more tequila
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
