i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
