Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
